With Love Comes Risk of Unbearable Loss
Tyler has been gone almost 4 years. I have been doing well and sharing the #RAOKforTyler2014 event, along with riding, working, racing, etc. I often have the false sense of being “good” now.
It is funny how grief really does have a pattern. For me anyway. I see Tyler every day. In pictures and in my thoughts. But today, I saw a picture of him and the memories and tears started flowing. For a moment, I was in that moment, transported, frozen in time with a photo with him smiling. It opened the floodgates to a lot of emotions and thoughts.
At almost four years, I see grief now as something that is carried forever in our hearts. We build a callous over time so that it cannot overtake us constantly, as it does in the beginning. Though certain events, words, songs, or even dates, some how can disintegrate that wall in an instant without warning no matter how long it has been since their death.
I do pay attention to these days, and I try to make them as positive as possible…but the pain is still there. The loss is still there. The memories are still there. My heart will always be broken. Though it is mended by a lot of love that I am so grateful for, it still can feel like the first day sometimes. I don’t know if that will ever completely go away. I just try to go with it when it happens. Otherwise it seems to build and make it worse. So I cry…and I come here to share my feelings and thoughts. I figure I need to.
4 years later, everything seems to have changed, but in the blink of an eye, I can be in a moment that usually feels a lifetime away.
Love really does endure all things.